I still have the love letters Ulysses wrote to me. I remember thinking I'd keep them as proof that I had at least once in my life, been loved.
He looked like James Dean, complete with Levis and white t-shirt.
There was a huge age difference between us. He was also a Dad with full custody of his two children.
I felt safe, happy too, but like I was just biding my time. We were together almost 3 years but he was a shift worker and I spent most of time working away at sea, month on and month off, with lots of travelling in-between.
He was right about our age difference in the end. I was in my early twenties and my desire for freedom was stronger than my desire for love. I wanted to love him more. When I realised I couldn't, I knew I'd cause more pain if I stayed.
|image courtesy of clker.com|
Breaking up with him was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Leaving his young children and not explaining why was harder... I didn't fully understand why at the time.
Almost 20 years later, through the magic of facebook, I caught up with him and his children again. He's doing mighty fine. His son is a Dad now. His curious little girl is in her early twenties now.
I spent time catching up with her on Skype. We talked about the stray-cat I found that became their much loved family member for many years. We talked like women who had grown up together, or family members that hadn't seen each other in decades. It was a proud moment when she said the love we had shared was lasting.
I recall many woken nights spent wondering if I had made the right decision to leave him. The pull drawing me back towards him was a difficult force to resist.
Ulysses was a warrior in my mind, strong, dependable, a great Dad and a humble bloke. Just not my bloke.
I knew the journey could have been a good one, but the destination wasn't a place I could picture us being together.
Have you ever caught a train and realised you were on the wrong line? Did you hit the emergency brakes or take in the view for a while?
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